Parenting Tips from the Backseat

Parenting Tips from the Backseat

Soon after the excitement of move-in has passed, your student will be “in the driver’s seat” actively navigating their college experience. While you have not been kicked out of the car completely, it may take some trial and error to learn how to influence and support from the backseat. Parent and Family Programs has compiled a few tried-and-true suggestions to help smooth your ride.

I love you; go to class.

This one is simple. End every conversation with, “I love you; go to class.” One of the key factors of student success is whether they are regularly attending class. This simple phrase serves as a gentle reminder of the importance of attending class. It may sound silly, but each year, we have parents who let us know that they use this little trick, and it makes a huge difference!

How are you going to handle that?

As a parent, it is so easy to swoop in and save the day. Now that your student is in college, it is time to buckle up in the backseat and let your student start to figure things out on their own. Development and maturity come from thinking critically to solve problems.

Rather than solving problems for them, ask supportive questions that encourage them to find a solution. A great thing to say is, “How are you going to handle that?” An open-ended question like this encourages dialogue, often leading to a discussion of the options available and possible solutions. Your student will grow from learning how to handle problems on their own. When your son’s roommate refuses to do the dishes, or when your daughter just realizes that she has a paper due tomorrow morning, they will learn valuable problem-solving skills.

Homesickness

Homesickness is experiencing a longing for home during a period of absence. This is a feeling that your student may face during college. For many students, this is the first time they have been away from home for an extended period, and it is very common to miss family and friends from back home.

If you think your student is homesick, encourage them to seek involvement opportunities. Friendships grow out of shared experiences and repeat exposure. Joining an organization, attending University Program Council events, going to group fitness classes at the Recreation and Wellness Center, or even talking to another student in class, are great ways to meet people. It is amazing what making a few friends will do to help distract your student from missing home.

Consider sending a thoughtful care package to let your student know that home isn’t quite the same without them. A little piece of home can help ease the sadness.

We know that you love to have your student home, but returning home can prolong homesickness. If you feel as though your student is coming home too often, set a schedule. If they come home on an off weekend during football season, challenge them to stay at school until the next away game or Thanksgiving break. After all, your student needs to be on campus to meet friends and find opportunities for involvement.

If your student doesn’t seem homesick, don’t worry! The transition from high school to college is a huge one, and there is a lot on your student’s plate. Your student may be more focused on acclimating to this new life rather than missing home – which is completely fine.

Share Resources

This tip piggybacks on asking, “How are you going to handle that?” Exploring campus resources arms you with information to help your student when the opportunity presents itself.

If it is mid-semester and your student is stressed about their first big history exam, send a link to Study Partners and Supplemental Instruction rather than signing them up and telling them to go. If your student wants to send you their paper for revisions, encourage them to also reach out to the University Writing Center for feedback.

Auburn has numerous resources to help your student succeed academically, and a few well-timed tips from the backseat can put these services on their map. Remind yourself that while you cannot “make them” use these resources, gently providing information can remove barriers and make it easier for your student to take advantage.

Newfound Freedom

For many students, college is the first time they are completely on their own. Decisions you have helped your student make their entire lives are now up to them. Your student is deciding what they are going to eat and when, what their sleep schedule will be, and how much time they are spending on their phone. This can be overwhelming for some students and anxiety-producing for parents. As they adjust to their newfound freedom and schedule, be flexible.

Living in an age with technology at our fingertips, it is easy to pick up the phone and call your student, or send texts multiple times during the day. Remember, just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

As your student adjusts to their schedule, they will find times in their day that are better than others for catching up. After the first few weeks of school, talk to your student about ideal times to call during the week. Setting a schedule early on will help both you and your student have consistency, as well as keep you from calling during the middle of class.

Build a Trusting Relationship

Just as you once braced yourself and pumped your invisible break while your student learned to drive, there may be times when you have the immediate urge to intervene. Building a trusting relationship can be difficult at first. Convey to your student that you trust them to make good decisions, and to handle struggles that arise. Your student is more likely to be open and honest with you if you support their decisions than if they feel like you are trying to catch them doing something wrong. Having trust as the foundation for your relationship on both sides is critical for promoting a positive college experience.

Use open-ended prompting as a tool to convey your genuine interest in your student. Questions that require a yes or no answer are going to get a yes or no answer and little more. For richer conversation, listen to what your student chooses to share, and then encourage them to elaborate with prompts like “Tell me more about that,” “What was that like for you,” “That sounds stressful,” “How exciting,” etc.

Share your suggestions when they are requested or required, but know that trust is a must, and unsolicited advice is usually taken as criticism.

Expect Change

It is inevitable. Your student will change while they are in college. As a parent or family member, your role in this process is to help them to the best of your ability. College years are formative years, and they impact individual students differently. Changes may seem drastic or minimal, but all students are gaining a larger perspective in a mature environment that will stretch them. Anticipating change will help both you and your student navigate this new map. When your student returns home, it is common for them to live the same way they do on their own. Your student may have developed their own patterns around things like sleep schedules, curfews, and acceptable housekeeping.

Find the balance between honoring changes and holding your student to household expectations. If there are important rules in your home, you may want to remind your student about your expectations before they return for a visit or the summer. For example, if your student started vaping while they were living on their own, it is ok to hold them to a rule of no vaping in your home when they return.

Trust your gut

As a parent or family member, you have known your student longer than anyone else. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, don’t ignore that feeling. Laying eyes on your student can go a long way to putting your mind at rest or confirming your concerns. Consider popping in for a visit, if possible, or make an unexpected FaceTime call. If your internal alarm is telling you that something significant is off, and your student will not discuss it with you, contact Parent and Family Programs. We will direct you to resources that can help.